The Speedo

Speedo. Item of international mockery*1 and the nemesis of small penised men. Worn by well-endowed aging celebs a plenty (Peter Stringfellow, Paul Daniels, Mikhail Gorbachev), but what?s the story behind the mysteriously appealing strip of nylon? During a 170,357kb email thread, we found out. First to the origin of the Speedo; invented by a Scot named Alexander MacRae, who in an (assumed) unrelated incident, married his wife at the unusual location of a train station. I?ll give you a moment to overcome your surprise that the internationally renowned one-piece was presumably first tested in an icy loch by a man whose nation (one would imagine) has an Olympic swimming trophy cupboard emptier than the Bible is of scientifically plausible content*2. Ah, but perhaps swimming glory is the motivation! We took a closer look at the Speedo to see if this was true. 

On first glance, one immediately acknowledges the pleasing aesthetics of the swimming garment, but after further discussion, the aerodynamic advantages of the item also come to light; advantages which have undeniably helped the Scots and the rest of the world break
historical swimming records. But back to the beginning, and the almost unimaginable pre-Speedo era of naked swimming and we look to see what Mr MacRae thought the Speedo could bring to the world; to quote our Scotch genius, "Aye, bonny speed"*3. But have you ever stopped and asked yourself how much drag can a willy really have? This is a subject sadly neglected by the scientific research community, but our reporter supposed that it was "crucial tenths of a second to professionals". Guess work doesn't fly unless there's no other option here at (enter publication name), but we pondered this idea and questioned why Scots in particular suffered this drag. Perhaps Scottish men had massive wotsits and prior to the Speedo invention, swimming at internationally recognised speed was a problem for them? Having no Scots among us, no national stereotypes to go on and no Scottish friends close enough to ask about the size of their hoo-haas, we abandoned this line of enquiry. 

Whilst we fear this question may never be answered, Speedo themselves supplied us with at least some science to explain the benefits of their new, critically-acclaimed LZR
(pronounced laser*4) Speedo series, which has a mouth-watering 5% less drag than the company's 2007 release. Put in layman?s terms, this can reduce racing times by 1.9-2.2% and is officially endorsed by Olympic administrators FINA, with 94% of swimming medals in 2008 won by competitors wearing the suit. But back to our entrepreneurial Scot and a
twist to this already inspiring story; it seems he emigrated (sans wife) to Australia in 1912, two years before he even invented the Speedo! Ah, so now we see the light at end of the investigative tunnel. One must assume that on reaching those golden beaches and azure waters, our dear friend Alexander came to feel inadequate in the water alongside the swimming-pool Trojans that Australians are known to be*5. Taunted by Bruce's easy
acceleration in the pool, humiliated by Sheila's giggles as he was lapped yet again by the natives, a light bulb came on in the mind of our modern day Braveheart. And so like democracy and gunpowder before it, a new life-changing genius entered the world. As slogan 'Speed on in your Speedos' and brand name tell us, for speed, yes. But perhaps we can also assume, as his nickname would suggest, old Alexander 'big one' MacRae also
had a large whaddyamacallit and the tight style of the Speedo, which was considered inappropriate by the prudish, was a way of reclaiming his dignity on the beach whilst standing amongst the possibly length-challenged Australian swimmers. 

Today, almost 100 years since it was invented, Des O'Connor and the rest of the world continue to embrace what is now regarded as the epitome of sports equipment perfection. With phenomenal sales each day, hundreds of ranges available on the shelves of all good retailers and the Speedo recognised as the only brand worth wearing in the Olympics, Mr MacRae can rest happily in his grave*6, knowing that in his lifetime, he changed the world for the better.


*1 Ridiculed by Spaniard Nicolás Obregón and African Nicole Pearson (as
all humans originated in Africa), Alexandra Johnston (nationality
confidential under Interpol and CIA command), Middle Eastern
Anglo-Caucasian Joe Harvey (as Europeans all came from the Middle East)
and Sexist Adam Larter (well, of self-assigned nation of 'Sexy', sexist
seemed the most usable informal term) alike
*2 On further research you will see that Scottish men have actually won 8
medals in swimming in the past 50 years, the last being in 1996. We're
still looking for plausible content in the Bible
*3 A completely fabricated quote, loosely utilising the vocabulary of
Scottish character 'McLaren' in 1970s TV series Porridge
*4 Lazer to our American friends
*5 Australian men have won 26 medals in swimming in the last three Olympic
games alone
*6 We assume burial, though he may have been cremated and scattered, or
cremated and turned into a pair of Speedos; research continues